Twelfth letter: Dutch porn sandwich

My first real culture shock as an expat in the Nederlands.

Wednesday night I was aimlessly scrolling through the TV channels, while Andy worked in his ‘office’ (remind me to describe his office one day). The choices being somewhat limited: BBC 1,2,3,4, Discovery (playing back to back Dog Whisperers) and the main Dutch channels, which occasionally play a good film. Well, I was searching for a film and my finger slipped (it’s true), and I scrolled up instead of down.

 

Out of nowhere appeared channels numbered up to 699, I’d been under the impression that our channels stopped at a quarter of that. I thought I’d discovered a whole new world of entertainment; great, we’d be no longer forced to watch reruns of Cash in the Attic and Mandelsons Great Train Journey.

So, any normal person living in the Nederlands would have realised channels above 500 were indeed ‘Entertainment’, but I didn’t. Clicking on 699, I almost choked on my caramel waffle, as the screen flashed (ha) with a picture of what appeared to be a couple who could easily be my neighbours, involved in explicit sexual capers, disturbingly the cameraman and film extra(same person), looked not unlike one of our local waiters. I quickly flicked onto the next channel. This time the actors seemed unfamiliar, although that feeling didn’t last long. I cast a quick glance at Andy, he was still typing away across the room, giant earphones on, oblivious to the cultural education going on in the other half of the room.

Both blissfully unware

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not a prude, but I am easily shockable. That’s what happens if you grow up on a diet of Little House on The Prairie and The Walton’s (we only had three channels then). I gave myself a quick talking too, this was a healthy thing, the Dutch have it right. Why should sex be out of reach on the top shelf, or secreted away inside shops with blacked out windows.  

The actors and actresses, apart from becoming familiar too quickly, had one very healthy thing in common. They all looked normal: fat, thin, wide, spotty, black roots and chipped nail varnish showing, paunches, baldness (on the head too), although I thought the keeping on of socks might be a Dutch thing to far.

I can’t let this moment go without passing a judgement. Seeing so many naked bodies in a short space of time reminded me of a fact I always used to tell my clients - skinny women might look good in clothes, but they look bloody awful naked.

The next channel came as even more of a surprise - a children cartoon channel, sandwiched right in the middle of two porn channels. I’m still thinking this one over, is it nourishing for children to grow up, understanding sex is just a part of life, or is it a step to far to have Thomas the Tank Engine sitting side by side with Sexy Zelda’s day in Zeeland?

Time to go and stock up on caramel waffles and chocolate cake…

Trace

xxx